For those of you who know me well, you know what I usually mean when I say "The Big D." Those of you who don't know me...shit's about to get personal--HA. No pun intended, seriously. When I say "The Big D," 9 times out of 10, I'm talking "diarrhea." Yes, I discuss it so frequently that I've come up with a code/slang term for it. But like I said, this blog post is about the
other big "D"--Divorce.
Right now, looking forward is much easier than looking back. As I have previously mentioned, my parents got a divorce after they had been married for 38 years. I never experienced divorce as a child (clearly), but I can say that divorce as an "adult" might not be harder than divorce as a child, but it most certainly is not easier. Just because I have the language to express my feelings and the ability to reason and think logically does not mean that I will be able to do that in this hard time.
It has been 11 months and 6 days since my mama sat me down at my old apartment the day after my best friend got married and told me that she and my dad were getting a divorce. I remember it as if it happened yesterday, and I don't think it's a day that I'll soon forget. It was shocking and I remember not being able to do or say anything. Panic and anxiety took over as I realized that my worst nightmare had become a reality and there was nothing I could do or say to change it.
Although my mom was the one who broke the news to me (a really difficult job, by the way--she's an amazing woman and mom), I couldn't be angry at her. First of all, she's my mama. We have been close since I was born. We didn't fight like you hear about many mothers and daughters, we've generally agreed with one another about most things, and I only remember one time that she yelled, "Karin Cameron Schubert!" And I'm pretty sure it wasn't even a
yell, probably just a stern voice, which coming from my mama is equivalent to a yell.
When I finally collected my thoughts and emotions enough to return to my apartment that I had abandoned my mom at for over three hours, I had to ask a couple key questions. Whose idea/suggestion was it? My dad's. Was my mom caught off-guard? Yes.
When I was little and my mom would get upset, I would get upset. One time she tripped over a step stool in the morning when we were rushing around to get ready for school and she was so annoyed/frustrated/stressed that she started crying. Seeing her cry made me cry, too. I guess that's a perfect example of empathy and part of the reason I chose the school/career path that I did (I'm in the middle of a Master's program at Butler for School Counseling).
So, knowing this information, that my dad was the one who suggested breaking up, that she didn't see it coming, I knew it had to hurt her, so it hurt me. I don't think that is the only reason I was crying so much and I don't think that was even the main reason that I was hurting so bad, but it was definitely part of it.
To my surprise, my mama told me that even though it's a hard situation and she knew I wasn't happy about it and didn't want it to happen, she was seeing the good in it. At the time, and even a little bit now, I had trouble seeing the good. How could this possibly be good? One minute my family was a whole unit, although spread out across the U.S., and the next minute we were broken.
Looking back at my family from before is completely different than now, and it's hard for me to remember the "good" times as really being good. I know they were good, but how do I know it was real? How do I know that my whole life growing up wasn't all fake? Did my parents really love each other up until the point that they decided to break up? Were they staying together "for the kids?" Were either myself or David the reason for the break up, even though my mom said we weren't? What does this mean for my future?
I always thought of divorce as being something that would never affect me. Ever. I remember asking my mom one time, "if you and dad get divorced, who would I live with?" Her answer was, "it doesn't matter, because we aren't getting divorced." I couldn't help but think about that exchange when she first told me. Something that she pretty much promised wouldn't happen, was happening. Almost like I was transformed back to a 3rd grader talking to my mom, thinking
but you said this wouldn't happen...
I know that my family will never be the same again. Clearly, my parents are not getting back together, and that is sad for me. Maybe it really is best for them. But it's still hard for me to see how. No matter how many positives my mom can tell me, I will still see the situation as a negative. My dad says he is happier now, and that's hard for me to hear. I don't like thinking that he is happier without my mom. How could he be? She's great. I couldn't imagine being without her--but then again, she is my mama, not my spouse. It's a different relationship--I get that. But it's hard to wrap my mind around, nonetheless.
One thing that I have taken from my many, many counseling sessions (once a week since the beginning of February) and some of my conversations with my dad is that no matter how old I am, no matter if I am an "adult" or not, I am still my parents' child. We will never be equal, because they are always my parents and I am always their child. I can be 50 years old and my mom can be 86 and guess what? She's still my mama and I'm still her baby. It makes no difference how old I am--I'm still the child.
My dad very recently got remarried. I thought the divorce was hard. But I was working towards coming to terms with it. I wasn't going to be happy, or be okay with it, but I was working at accepting that it happened. Then that happened. I felt like I was back to October 2, 2011, when I received the worst news of my life. It felt surreal. I could not believe that it was happening all over again. As I said before, I get that my parents want to be happy. I want them to be happy. But I can't help my initial, raw, emotional reaction. It was the same panicky, anxious, and extremely sad and confused feeling. It was a hard day. It's still hard. It's all new. It hasn't even been a year since I
found out about the divorce, and he's remarried! What?? I am happy that he is happy, but I am not happy about what happened.
Again, this makes me think, selfishly, what about my future? What will future holidays look like? What if I get married one day? Do I even want to get married? How will I know that I have found "the one," even after three decades? Or almost four decades? This is hard stuff.
I am writing this blog post mainly for myself. It's a way for me to express my feelings and be able to spend some time thinking about everything. It might even help someone who is going through the same thing, or has gone through the same thing in the past. Who knows.
I want to end this blog post on a good note. Here are some things that I am looking forward to:
- Finishing my homework for class on Monday.
- Having our pharmacist in charge (PIC), Jeff, back from vacation tomorrow and getting to work with him all day.
- Finally priming my old bedroom in my old apartment and getting the last bit of my stuff out of there and moved into my new apartment with Ryan.
- Flying to Minnesota for the week of Thanksgiving to spend time with my mama and my brother.
- Getting holiday pay for Labor Day on my next paycheck.
- Getting over this silly bronchitis that has got me down for the past week.
Thanks for reading, and if you've made it this far, you're a trooper! I'm not much of a pray-er, but I do believe in thinking good thoughts. That being said, if you feel so inclined, think some good thoughts for me. I'll take all the good thoughts I can get.
